The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
