Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
