I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
