Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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