saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
