She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize