New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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