Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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