I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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