my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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