Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
