just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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