hotel room ftw
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize