Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
