Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
