I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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