Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
