is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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