Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
