can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
