Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
