I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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