I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
