Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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