Your dad touched me again.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
