I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
