My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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