Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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