I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
