We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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