Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize