he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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