My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
