i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
