I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
