I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
