Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
