Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
