I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
