Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
