Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
