i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
