I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
