Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
