Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So much rum. So many feels.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
