I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
