LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
