So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
