just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
