I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
In other news, I just burned my penis
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
