my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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