On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
