When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
