Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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