Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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