Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
