the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
