Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
