i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
