I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize