the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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