We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
