you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
