i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My bed smells like the plague
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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