I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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