Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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